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Today, many people feel that dating rules have changed —
so much so that people are constantly looking for new guidelines. With today's varied dating styles it's difficult to draw any clear guidelines on the modern rules of love and dating. Many singles are finding themselves in the situation where they don't know what rules apply to dating in the new millennium.
Let's give a few guidelines that seem to be consistent over time.
Plan your date out ahead of time.
Avoid falling into the vicious cycle of saying, "I don't know, what you want to do?" Decide on something and do it. Be open to other suggestions if your plans don't work out. Ask for advice ahead of time on interesting activities in the region of the date. If you are traveling to a foreign country or even an unfamiliar city to meet your date look up points of interest before you go. Ask your date for ideas on what to do before you go. Let them help you with the planning. Quite honestly, if you have never been to the location of the proposed date you have little idea of what to plan. So ask for help. This will help prevent any embarrassing moments. Your date may even know of a cozy little establishment where you can get to know one another in a pleasing atmosphere. Don't go to a movie. Yes, this seems strange because everyone goes to a movie on the first date. Actually, movies are a bad idea. While at the movie there is no time to talk. On the first few dates talking to one another is critical to building a strong relationship.
Meet in a public place on your first date.
Not only is this a safe idea, it also allows for distractions should conversation lag. Parks, picnics, walks through town, carnivals, dining or even a stroll through a mall are good activities that provide interesting topics of conversation as the date progresses.
Initially the man should pick the restaurant --
even if you think your choice is better. "Let him pick it and pay for the meal. If he takes you out for a hot dog, well, it is what it is. The important point to remember for the initial few dates is that each of you are trying to understand the other.
Offer to split the bill.
The issue of "who pays" is probably one of the largest sources of confusion for singles. Most people today feel that the bill is the responsibility of the party that asked for the date. That said, it is courteous to offer to "go Dutch" and you should always be prepared to split the costs. If your date does pick up the tab, offer to pay the next time. To guys, bring cash and plastic and expect to pay on the first date.
Be flexible.
If you have to cancel, reschedule unless you really didn't want to go out with the other person to begin with.
First impressions are important --
but don't judge your date too quickly. Look your best. Feel your best. Walk into the room with confidence. Your date will sense that energy. You walk in, you sit down, and maybe your date is average looking. But then you start to talk to them, and they turn out to be an 8 or a 9 because they are a fabulous person inside. They are kind. They are wonderful. You should only spend 10 seconds determining physical attraction and 30 minutes or longer judging emotional chemistry. "It isn't always about beauty or lack of beauty or whether you're a size 5 or you're a size 14. A relationship is about the personality of the individuals involved.
Discuss heavier topics.
Let's face it, some people SHOULD stick to small talk, but if you're informed on a topic, go ahead and discuss it. If you find some topics appropriate and your date finds them taboo, it may be better to realize this early on. .
Don't talk too much about your ex.
And if you do, don't say anything disparaging. You're starting a new relationship so empty your luggage at the door. Don't turn your date into a therapy session. Avoid subjects like your ex, your bad relationship with your mother or your growing sense of insecurity over the strange growth you've discovered on your back. Don't agree for the sake of agreeing. It's important to stand your ground and let your date know where you stand on certain topics. The point is getting to know one another. Most people enjoy intellectual argument, as long as you avoid insulting your date's intelligence. Never discuss politics or religion with someone you hardly know. "You don't go there," she says. "Eventually you do --you just don't on the first date."
Don't be pretentious.
Nobody is perfect and nothing is more annoying than someone who acts like they are.
Don't look too hard for faults in the other person.
You'll always find something to sabotage the next relationship. You've been hurt before so you don't want to set yourself up to have it happen again.
Be attentive to your date.
Do listen to them. Shut up about yourself for a few minutes to hear what they have to say. When faced with the dilemma of whether to bare all or listen attentively, many singles prefer to listen. If you listen to your date, they will think you're interesting even though you haven't actually said anything. Just keep asking questions and they'll think you're brilliant and fascinating. Maintain eye contact. Just make sure it's not too intense. Remember, you aren't a hawk eyeing its prey.
Don't be pretentious.
Nobody is perfect and nothing is more annoying than someone who acts like they are. Don't look too hard for faults in the other person. You'll always find something to sabotage the next relationship. You've been hurt before so you don't want to set yourself up to have it happen again.
Be attentive to your date.
Do listen to them. Shut up about yourself for a few minutes to hear what they have to say. When faced with the dilemma of whether to bare all or listen attentively, many singles prefer to listen. If you listen to your date, they will think you're interesting even though you haven't actually said anything. Just keep asking questions and they'll think you're brilliant and fascinating. Maintain eye contact.
Just make sure it's not too intense. Remember, you aren't a hawk eyeing its prey.
Don't act distracted during a date.
Turn off your cell phone and keep your eyes from wandering. Nothing will show a greater lack of interest on your part than fielding phone calls and checking out the wait staff. This point is worth extra consideration. Cell phones, beepers, mp3 players and other forms of distraction have become ubiquitous in our environment. They have no place on a date. Actually, when you are with others these distractions have no place there ether. So only use the cell phone if the call is an emergency. Leave the other toys at home when you are out with friends.
Crack jokes.
Not only will this put your date at ease, it will show them you have a sense of humor. Jokes are a good way to break the ice with some people. However, jokes by their very nature reflect on life. They can be bitter or pungent. If you are not good with jokes leave them to the comedian. Just be as pleasant as you can.
Discuss heavier topics.
Let's face it, some people SHOULD stick to small talk, but if you're informed on a topic, go ahead and discuss it. If you find some topics appropriate and your date finds them taboo, it may be better to realize this early on. Remember, you may be an expert on a topic but your date needs time to explain their point of view. Let them talk also. Don't always be the center of the conversation
Don't talk too much about your ex.
And if you do, don't say anything disparaging. You're starting a new relationship so empty your luggage at the door.
Don't turn your date into a therapy session.
Avoid subjects like your ex, your bad relationship with your mother or your growing sense of insecurity over the strange growth you've discovered on your back.
Don't agree for the sake of agreeing.
It's important to stand your ground and let your date know where you stand on certain topics. The point is getting to know one another. Most people enjoy intellectual argument, as long as you avoid insulting your date's intelligence.
Never discuss politics or religion with someone you hardly know.
Politics and religion are emotionally charged topics with deep personal meaning. You can never understand the reasons behind the emotion on these topics. Discussions on politics and religion are best left to times when each of you have become familiar with one another and can talk more openly on sensitive matters.
Be courteous. Please and thank you goes along the way.
Do compliment the other person.
Don't move too quickly.
It could cause a Pepe Le Pew situation (you pursue and the other runs away as fast as they can).
Act chivalrous.
Men, the women's liberation movement may have provided women with the means to financial independence and positions of power, but this does not mean that she no longer appreciates those little things that make you a gentlemen. Open doors for your date. Pull out her chair for her. Make sure she gets home safely. These are the things that make a good impression. If used correctly, chivalry is the charm of all charms; if overused, it seems like machismo.
Don't try to make any uninvited physical advances. There are so many different opinions on what is acceptable, physically, on a date. If there is chemistry, the physical aspects of a relationship will fall into place. If things feel right, then hold hands, kiss, whatever feels right. Nothing is worse, though, than a first date which is way too into PDA (public displays of affection). It's sort of like they are staking their claim, which is a major turn-off.
Don't consume large amounts of alcohol.
Don't drink and date. Although the reasons for this are pretty obvious, “social drinking” is a trap many people fall into. Excess drinking on a date has ruined many a person's chances for a second date. If you must drink, stick with one beer or glass of wine. Impaired judgment always follows when drinking too much.
Don't be afraid to end the date early.
If things aren't working out or you are uncomfortable, feel free to end the date at any time. Women, don't be afraid to ask a man for a date. In fact, many men find a woman who will make the first move attractive and confident. A woman asking a man for a date doesn't have to be a pathetic plea to listen to Seal over a candlelit dinner. You can invite the guy to something you are going to anyway, like a concert, so it's like you are asking them to come along. Don't be too obsessive. If the other person doesn't call, they might have been too busy to answer. Leaving 5 voice mails after the first date just makes you appear desperate. Follow up with your date. Call or email your date to let them know you had a good time. This doesn't have to be a plea to see them again right away. It's simply a courtesy. If your date had an enjoyable time too, this will be icing on the cake!
